AFA Journal

Dan and Melissa (not their real names) are a nice, 30-ish couple. They came from Christian homes, with Christian values and Christian friends. Growing up, their lives revolved largely around church and church activities. When they married, everyone thought they were the ideal couple, and that they would live happily ever after.

But Dan and Melissa have a dark secret – a secret with such a stigma attached that they aren’t willing to share their real names. The secret is Dan’s former pornography addiction.

Today, men from all walks of life, even Christians and pastors, are addicted to pornography. The primary culprit is the Internet, with its easy access to pornographic Web sites and screen pop-ups that lure the curious into a dangerous world. But that wasn’t the case for Dan. His addiction began when, as a youngster, he was sexually abused by neighborhood boys. They first got Dan involved by tempting him with pornographic magazines and other print materials. Then they graduated to videos and sexual contact.

“To be truthful, I thought it was just all part of growing up,” says Dan. “My parents had never given me the ‘birds and the bees’ talk, so I just thought what I was doing was normal. I later learned that when you’re sexually abused as a child, your emotional maturity level is often stunted.”

And in Dan’s case, that carried over into his marriage. With pornography, as with any other addiction, a person needs more and more of the addictive “substance” to receive gratification. “I thought it would be easy for me to quit when I got married,” says Dan. “And actually, I felt Melissa and I had a good relationship sexually, but it didn’t seem to be enough.”

The need for more “exciting” sexual encounters resulted in Dan becoming involved in affairs with other women in order to satisfy his sexual fantasies. He tried to quit several times, he says, “but it became a vicious cycle.” He would “act out” his fantasies through an affair, become ashamed, vow never to do it again, and soon find himself involved again.

But his world fell apart when Melissa found out. “I seriously considered committing suicide because I hurt her so deeply.”

Melissa was devastated. “I had no clue whatsoever,” she says. “I always knew something wasn’t quite right in our marriage, but I just thought it was me.”

“That’s very typical,” says Lynn Wildmon-White, Ph.D., president and founder of Esther Ministries, in Tupelo, Mississippi. “Sadly, most women whose husbands become addicted to pornography take all the blame on themselves. But it isn’t their fault. There are many issues involved, and our ministry is devoted to helping women deal with those issues, as well as to help them heal from the deep hurt and rejection they feel.”

“There are a lot of counselors out there,” says Melissa, “but until I found Esther Ministries, the counseling we received was not helpful to me. I was made to feel ashamed and invalidated because of the incredible anger I felt. One pastor told me, ‘Men don’t always think with their minds.’ But when I called and talked to the people at Esther, for the very first time I was affirmed and offered a ray of hope for healing.

“As the Lord would have it,” she continues, “right after I talked to them, I found out Esther Ministries was having a workshop within driving distance of our home. I was very ashamed of the adultery and addiction because I still felt it was my fault, but I went to the workshop anyhow. It was a life-changing event for me.”

She learned that she had some issues of her own to confront. “I did not realize what an angry person I was,” she explains. In addition to anger at Dan’s betrayal, Melissa learned she was carrying anger deep inside resulting from the sexual abuse and rape she had endured at a young age. “The workshop helped me face those issues about myself and begin the healing process. It also helped me understand what God intended for my marriage and my life. It changed my marriage, my ability to parent our child, and it radically changed my life for the Lord.”

Regarding their child, Melissa expresses sadness at what Jamie* went through both during the time Dan was addicted and after she learned about the addiction. “Jamie was deprived of a father because Dan was always gone, and after I found out, our home was like a war zone because I was so angry,” she explains.

Fortunately for Dan, Esther Ministries makes referrals to an associate who provides one-on-one counseling for men in addiction. Counselor David Jones spent three days with Dan in intensive one-on-one sessions that equipped him with an understanding of his addiction and started him down the road to healing.

The couple then attended a joint workshop to help them restore their marriage. And most importantly, both Dan and Melissa were given love and hope from God’s Word, as well as compassion and understanding from the Esther staff.

Dan still goes for counseling occasionally, but is now free of his addiction. When asked what he would say to men who may be struggling as he did, he said, “I want them to know they don’t have to live in the bondage of addiction. They can get help. They’re not freaks, and they’re not alone. In my own life, I finally came to the realization that the Creator of the Universe is able to handle my problems much better than I can. Through Him, anything is possible. I’m a testimony of that.”

“There is such a stigma attached to this sickness,” Melissa adds sadly. “We had a few friends who were supportive and understanding, but for the most part, people just stayed away from us. We found it necessary to change churches. I hope this article will open people’s eyes to the fact that pornography addiction is an illness, and should be treated as such by others.”

“In spite of everything,” she concludes, “our God has been so faithful to not only restore our marriage, because it wasn’t healthy in the first place, but to give us a new relationship that truly honors Him.”

To learn more about Esther Ministries, telephone 662-842-0580, or go online at www. estherministries.org.

SIDEBAR

Let’s not shoot our wounded
By David Jones
Life Strategies Christian Counseling
www.life-strategies.org

How can a Christian man have a sexual addiction? There is not one simple answer. Most often the seeds of this addiction are planted during the most vulnerable periods of a male’s childhood. Most of the men I work with have an age 12 story of how they were exposed to sexual material or behavior at this time. With this age come many anxieties and pressures. As these new fears come about, Satan’s message is that he can give the male a place to go where he can either escape or “medicate” his anxieties. Each time he enters this fantasy world the after effect of shame grows, but he doesn’t know what to do with it.

Most addicts develop a world of image management at an early age. They put on an image that everything is OK because they fear what will happen if they reveal their shame and failures.

There is a spiritual element of this addiction that makes it different from other addictions. What God intended the sexual package to be is part of the spiritual bonding between husband and wife. When an adolescent engages in repeated sexual acting out, then the seeds of this behavior are planted at a spiritual level.

Satan’s attack sounds like this: “Hey, remember me. I’ve got a place where you can go and get all your needs met and you don’t have to jump through any hoops, just point and click.” The seeds planted earlier now grow into plants that intertwine their roots around the man’s heart.

The man may try numerous confessions and acts of repentance. He eventually returns to the addiction feeling even more defeated and ashamed. The addict often buys into the lie that this addiction is the only place where he can get his needs met.

Satan’s goal is to rob, kill and destroy. This addiction meets all of those goals because it robs you of intimacy with God and others. It destroys relationships with others. It kills and numbs feelings and healthy desires and leaves you as an empty shell.

These men need accountability, honesty and support. As the body of Christ we need to open our eyes and hearts to the fact that you may have a wounded brother sitting on the same pew with you every Sunday. Let’s not shoot our wounded, but let them know there is hope and freedom.

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