Pornography

Hope and freedom for the sex addict

E-mail this page to a friend

David Jones
Life Strategies Christian Counseling

Dr. David Jones

In working with men that struggle with sexual addiction I am often asked this question,"How can a Christian man have a sexual addiction?"

There is not one simple answer to this very complex affliction. There is just no way to make sense of the insane behavior that is produced by this addiction. How can a man who has experienced God's greatest gift of His Grace and Mercy fill his mind and soul with filth? The same way King David - a man after God's own heart - could commit adultery and murder.

I once heard sin described as temporary insanity and you know you just can't make insane behavior make sense. In understanding how a Christian man can be afflicted with this addiction we will need to take a look at the enemy's methods of assault.

Most often the seeds of this addiction are planted during the most vulnerable periods of a male's childhood. Most of the men I work with have an age 12 story of how they were exposed to sexual material or behavior at this time. This is a very key age for the male because he is beginning his practice time for manhood.

With this age come many anxieties and pressures. A lot of males at this point have already learned that they need to take care of things on their own and they can't trust others with these feelings. As these new fears come about, Satan's messages is that he can give the male a place to go where he can either escape, or medicate his anxieties.

If the adolescent male continues to use this escape then he never learns the skills to work through his fears and pressures. He will need the use of these skills as he enters into adulthood. Each time he enters this fantasy world the after effect of shame grows but he doesn't know what to do with it because he lacks the skills to express his needs.

Most of the men I deal with describe developing a world of image management at an early age. They put on an image that everything is OK because they fear what will happen if they reveal their shame and failures. What Satan and the pornographers don't tell you is that each time a male engages in this world it assaults his mind and soul.

It is important to interject here the spiritual aspects of this addiction. There is a spiritual element of this addiction that makes it different from other addictions.

What God intended the sexual package to be is part of the spiritual bonding between husband and wife. In other words, it is part of the process of the husband and wife becoming one.

When part of this package, say visual, is taken outside the area that God intended, then spiritual bonding and wounding occur. When an adolescent engages in repeated sexual acting out, then the seeds of this behavior are planted at a spiritual level. These seeds can lie dormant for many years or can progress straight into addiction.

Often these young men are wounded in other areas of their lives and use this acting out as a balm for their wounded spirits. Let's say that the seeds of this behavior lie dormant for several years but are never dealt with. As these men reach adulthood they use other behavior to medicate their fears.

A lot of the men I deal with are very performance driven and feed off the powerful drug of approval. This often produces men that are workaholics and very successful in the eyes of those around them. No one is really able to get close to them because of what they learned long ago, that it is the people that are close to you that can hurt you.

Remember, they never learned to deal with their anxieties and fears. As these grow through the stresses of life, they will need more medication or avenues of escape.

Satan's attack sounds like this, "Hey, remember me? I've got a place you can go and get all your needs met. You don't have to jump through any hoops, just point and click."

The seeds that were planted earlier now grow into full grown plants that intertwine their roots around the man's heart. Feeling the shame of his behavior, he may try numerous confessions and acts of repentance. Following this with a period of non-acting out, but because he lacks the skills to deal with the stresses in his life, they mount up again. He eventually returns to the addiction feeling even more defeated and ashamed.

The addict often buys into the lie that this addiction is the only place where he can get his needs met. In doing this he will rationalize, minimize, excuse, and reduce his behavior. He is now protecting the relationship with the addiction because he has bought the lie that it is not hurting anyone. The addiction now has its hook set in the individual and will lead his mind and body to places he never intended to go.

Satan's goal is to rob, kill and destroy. This addiction meets all of those goals because it robs a man of his intimacy with God and others. It molests his soul and mind. It destroys his relationships with others. It kills and numbs his feelings and healthy desires and leaves him as an empty shell.

Sadly, it can also end in death because the hopelessness and despair of what he has done can lead to suicide. Remember, I have tried to give a simple answer to a very complicated addiction. This should not give rise to making excuses for the addicts' behavior because they may have not gotten their needs met as a child. These men need accountability, honesty and support.

I truly believe this is Satan's number one attack on Christian men today and as the body of Christ we need to open our eyes and hearts to the fact that you may have a wounded brother sitting on the same pew with you every Sunday. Let's not shoot our wounded but let them know their is hope and freedom.

David is a graduate of The University of Memphis with a Masters Degree in Counseling. Born and raised in Memphis, TN David now lives in Atoka, TN with his wife of 15 years and his two children, serving as an elder in his local church. David is in private practice as Life Strategies Christian Counseling. He has received extensive training in chemical addiction, sexual addiction, and the treatment of sex offenders. Past experience includes positions as administrator, coordinator, trainer and consultant for various Christian programs in a variety of settings - residential, in-patient, out-patient, church and correctional.

Life Strategies Christian Counseling can be reached at 901-831-4711 or www.Life-Strategies.org, or E-mail Dr. Jones at jjdavidjones@aol.com.