This is for the one who feels unseen.
The one who feels like a vase falling in slow motion from the top shelf, bracing themselves for the shatter.
The one who’s already hit the floor.
This one is for you.
On February 3rd of last year, my husband and I found ourselves freshly married and on the floor of a very tiny, very unfamiliar apartment complex bathroom begging for God to breathe life into my womb as we began the process of miscarrying our first child.
I remember the moments that followed in excruciating detail. Every cell in my body trembled as we pressed all our weight into each other and wept for this child we would never know this side of heaven. We would never know his eye color, what it would feel like to squeeze him before bed or what it would sound like to hear him call me mommy, and I wanted so bad to be his mommy. I know that I am his mommy, and he will always be my baby, but in that moment of giving him back to Jesus, I felt that somehow, I had failed him.
All we knew to do was to cry out to Jesus, to thank Him for the giving and the taking. We had tasted and seen of His goodness and we knew that even then He still was.
We call this baby Judah. Judah means “to praise,” and that’s what we did in every moment of his life.
October 3, 2020, would’ve been his due date.
But God – as He does – knew better.
Just a few nights before, my husband found this piece of paper crudely stuffed in a box leftover from our move. I waddled over to grab it from him and was about to shove it in the junk drawer just to get it out of the way – when the date at the top caught my eye.
I knew that date like I know the breath in my body.
To anyone else, this would just look like ink on paper, but for me it’s redemption. It’s restoration. It is God making good on a promise.
You see, last year on February 3rd, we wept. This year on February 3rd, our new boy is due to come into this world. And, man, did he ever!
What we sowed in tears we will reap in joy. What the locusts ate the Lord will restore. The Lord did not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.
Of all the things God had to do, He heard the heart of a hurting mama and He anointed the words she penned on a piece of scrap paper.
He sees you too, and oh my goodness He loves you more than you could even begin to comprehend. You are the apple of His eye. He cares about your heartache and He would abandon everything else to find you and bring you to Himself; to pull you close and to love on you. More than anything He just wants your attention so that He could capture your heart and show you all that He has waiting for you in His freedom.
Whether or not you feel it, I promise He’s working. He’s running after you, and my prayer for today is that you would let Him catch you. Just as you are, I pray that you would find rest in Him today.
In the end, "Jesus gets the only say."