Don't Let Tomorrow's Worry Steal Today's Joy

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February 17, 2023. Three years ago.

The day began as any other day – Wake up, make breakfast, tend to two littles (two and under), out of the house we go. Something felt different, though, my spirit was stirring, wondering – was I? How could I be? Pregnant? No answer for sure yet, but I was wondering. I was on my way to my parents-in-law’s house. My mother-in-law was going to keep my littles that day to let me have a day to really, really clean my house. Like the go through each room in the house and purge kind of clean. She’s passionate about that kind of thing and thankfully was willing to help so I could accomplish that goal for the day.

However, little did she know my head and heart were totally on a different playing field that day. I was so anxious and very scared to get home to take a small little test that may or may not have two little blue lines show up. In my spirit, I knew. I had told my husband all week that I thought I was pregnant.

If you don’t know our story, this might not seem like such a big deal, but after struggling for four years to get pregnant with our first baby girl and (at the time) five miscarriages, the possibility of me being pregnant without doctors’ appointments and medications would be a very big surprise! Also, yes, if you put it together, we would then have THREE children, THREE and under! Who does a thing like that on purpose?

I arrived home and immediately opened a test. If you have experienced this, you know those three minutes can feel like they take three hours! To my surprise, it was positive, and my head began to spin! I am honestly ashamed to share this; however, I feel that I need to be transparent. I was immediately overcome with fear and anxiety. So many questions filled my mind. “How would we be able to afford three kids?” “We just had a baby and adopted our son last year,” “How God?” and unfortunately, a question that will haunt me for the rest of my life, “Why God?” How selfish of me. I didn’t understand or like His timeline in that moment.

Who am I to question God about the gifts He has blessed us with?

I was so unsure, and the enemy knew just what worries to place at the forefront of my mind. Would this be another miscarriage? How would I handle another loss? If the baby did make it, we would have three children three and under. Looking back now – that thought sounds so sweet. Knowing what I know now, that picture looks perfect.

When my husband came home for the day, I showed him that test. He was almost in disbelief, but then quickly became so excited! I wish I could say the same for me, but the truth is these thoughts plagued my heart and mind for five weeks. I let the enemy steal my joy of this precious life growing inside of me. More worry than thankfulness and more fear than peace. If I could go back, I would look at things so differently. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works, though, is it? We cannot go back, and there is no redo.

This thought reminds me of Eve in Genesis – you know the lady who literally changed the world forever by being the first one to sin. Genesis 3 shares this story:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’” The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked… (Genesis 3:1-7)

In Genesis 3:13, we read, “Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

I have a much different story than Eve, but I doubted God. I wasted time of my precious baby’s life worrying that I wouldn’t know how to be the mama I needed to be to all three of my littles. Finally, around week 8 or 9 of my pregnancy, I breathed a breath of fresh air from the Lord and let myself finally feel His presence in this pregnancy. I let myself feel excited and anxious to meet this little life growing in my tummy. A true gift from the Lord!

However, exactly five months after finding out my sweet baby was on his way, I found out our baby boy was probably not going to make it into my arms while he was still alive. On July 17, 2023, our baby boy, John-Micah, was born, and 27minutes later, he went to his eternal home in glory.

Now you see why I would want that “redo.” Those first few weeks could have been spent feeling joy and celebration instead of letting the enemy steal that sweet time from me.

I share this with you to encourage you to choose joy! Choose life! Choose celebration! Life can be so hard, and things of this world are incredibly heavy many days, but God gives us sweet reasons every day to enjoy what He has blessed us with!

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world (John 16:33).

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