My heart was in her hands

According to a 2015 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, one in five couples in America struggled with infertility. Infertility is defined as inability to conceive within one year, as well as not being able to carry a child to live birth. Less studied in the U.S. is the effect infertility has on the potential parents. However, a Danish study published in 2014 found that 26.7% of women who had begun fertility treatments were divorced or living alone 12 years later. And couples who had not had a child after treatment were three times more likely to have separated.

Infertility, miscarriage, and loss can take a tremendous toll on marriages, whether through unfulfilled attempts to conceive, the stress of medical procedures, the financial strain of fertility treatments, or the loss of desperately wanted children.

AFA’s own J.J. Jasper – who lost his 5-year-old son Cooper through a tragic accident documented in the book Losing Cooper and in the film Flame On – knows well the emotional toll that the loss of a child can take on an individual and the dangers it poses to a marriage.

Excerpts below from Losing Cooper reveal how Jasper and his wife Melanie dealt with the loss of their son and still maintained a healthy marriage.

Melanie was the judge and jury in our marriage regarding Cooper’s death. She held my heart in her hands. If she had declared me guilty for our son’s death, if she had pointed the finger and accused me, I never would have survived. I’m convinced I would not have made it. She could easily have chained me to my guilt. After all, as I’ve said, I was in charge – it was on my watch – when her baby, her only son, died.

Melanie offered forgiveness immediately. As I repeatedly apologized, she interrupted and said, “It was an accident. I know you love Cooper. There is nothing to forgive. You didn’t do this on purpose. I know you would lay your life down for him. It was an accident.”

Regarding my part in Cooper’s death, Melanie has never – not once – ever brought it up. Every day, many times throughout the day, I would have meltdowns, and she would repeat her total unconditional love and forgiveness for me – and she would mean it! It has been an amazing thing to witness and an amazing gift to receive. It was as if she handed me a key to a dark and lonely cell of guilt, shame, and regret, and I was able to unlock the cell door, walk out, and be completely free.

I now know what receiving true forgiveness looks like and feels like. If she had held it over my head just a little bit, I wouldn’t be able to heal, our marriage would have been strained immensely, and we wouldn’t be able to grieve well. What a true demonstration of love and forgiveness. I see Jesus in my wife Malenie every day.

Grieving well

Advice from Losing Cooper

▶ Great loss exposes both strengths and weaknesses.

▶ Focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

▶ Don’t let anger turn to bitterness.

▶ Allow friends to be near [to you].

▶ Seek a qualified counselor.

▶ Stay busy by serving others.

▶ Prepare for the day when friends and family must leave.

▶ Trust God completely.